What are the most common problems that couples struggle with?
-Parenting
-Money
-In-laws
-personality differences
-hashkafic differences
-sexual issues
-where to live
-roles/ chores
As couples fumble through one issue, lo and behold another emerges, stages in the family change, new crises arise, children going to school, becoming adolescent, elderly parents getting ill, parnassah’s ups & downs, should we move to or stay in Israel…
Very often these problems create extreme tension and conflict in the relationship, as couples struggle to make decisions and to negotiate these hurdles together. As Esther Jungreis has named one of her books, ‘Life is a test”, so as one problem hopefully gets sorted, another one arises.
The goal of the relationship is not to be problem free or to solve all the problems, this is not possible. The goal is to be able to work together as a team, as players on the same side who are listening, complementing, guiding, supporting each other, each using their strengths and insight to create a strong unified front to tackle life’s challenges together.
So when a problem arises like those mentioned above and conflict feels insurmountable, the problem is in the relationship, not in the problem. The real issues are around lack of trust, respect, listening. Inconsideration, blaming, shaming, criticizing, belittling, withdrawing, punishing, abuse of some kind, and other such compromising behaviours.
Of course this can be a chicken egg phenomenon, where it begins is certainly debatable and not very helpful, much like the sibling who tells his parent who started the fight and who holds the most blame.
What is more beneficial is to ask is ;
-what is the negative pattern
-what are the underlying destructive behaviours
-how am I contributing to this
-how I can I address this in a constructive manner
-how can I address this in the interest of the relationship, not in the interest of proving myself right
-how can I restore our status to being partners on the same team, rather than being antagonists.
If we are privileged to be in relationship we aspire to live within this reality, two people becoming one, each considering the other and the impact of our behavior on one another. So as each problem emerges remember that although it feels pressing and real, the underlying dynamics are more significant in creating harmony than solving the issue at hand.
-Parenting
-Money
-In-laws
-personality differences
-hashkafic differences
-sexual issues
-where to live
-roles/ chores
As couples fumble through one issue, lo and behold another emerges, stages in the family change, new crises arise, children going to school, becoming adolescent, elderly parents getting ill, parnassah’s ups & downs, should we move to or stay in Israel…
Very often these problems create extreme tension and conflict in the relationship, as couples struggle to make decisions and to negotiate these hurdles together. As Esther Jungreis has named one of her books, ‘Life is a test”, so as one problem hopefully gets sorted, another one arises.
The goal of the relationship is not to be problem free or to solve all the problems, this is not possible. The goal is to be able to work together as a team, as players on the same side who are listening, complementing, guiding, supporting each other, each using their strengths and insight to create a strong unified front to tackle life’s challenges together.
So when a problem arises like those mentioned above and conflict feels insurmountable, the problem is in the relationship, not in the problem. The real issues are around lack of trust, respect, listening. Inconsideration, blaming, shaming, criticizing, belittling, withdrawing, punishing, abuse of some kind, and other such compromising behaviours.
Of course this can be a chicken egg phenomenon, where it begins is certainly debatable and not very helpful, much like the sibling who tells his parent who started the fight and who holds the most blame.
What is more beneficial is to ask is ;
-what is the negative pattern
-what are the underlying destructive behaviours
-how am I contributing to this
-how I can I address this in a constructive manner
-how can I address this in the interest of the relationship, not in the interest of proving myself right
-how can I restore our status to being partners on the same team, rather than being antagonists.
If we are privileged to be in relationship we aspire to live within this reality, two people becoming one, each considering the other and the impact of our behavior on one another. So as each problem emerges remember that although it feels pressing and real, the underlying dynamics are more significant in creating harmony than solving the issue at hand.