We all strive to live in a state of harmony with our spouse. When we achieve this it feels right, whole.
Sadly, squabbles do occur. They may be petty, or a reflection of deeper discord of underlying issues. The cause of conflict may be simple, eg Reuvain leaves his socks on the floor, even though Sara repeatedly asks him not to. However a bigger piece of the puzzle is the meaning Sara gives to what just happened. This is known as the 90 -10 principle. This means that 10% of the problem is in the here and now, while 90% is based on past associations and experiences.
I will illustrate with some examples.
Yehuda looking at his cellphone while Ruchi is talking to him, upsets her. She becomes angry, feels hurt, withdraws. Ruchi’s sharp, critical comments to Yehuda are crushing for him, he feels emasculated, disempowered, he stays at work later. Although many women would feel irritated when their husband’s attention is elsewhere, for Ruchi it is particularly painful because her mother was emotionally cut off and not available to listen to her. Yehuda is deeply affected by Ruchi’s criticism because his mother was controlling and domineering.
Ahuvah’s not following through on practical stuff which she has promised to do, upsets Yaakov. He feels let down and alone, he becomes cold and sighs heavily. This causes Ahuvah, to feel resentful and despondent. Yaakov’s father was kind but unreliable, Ruchi”s behavior makes Yaakov feel insecure and anxious. Ahuvah comes from a family where emotions were not clearly expressed, Yaakov’s sighing is very threatening to her. Ahuvah and Yaakov’s responses to each other are exaggerated by their previous relationship experiences.
Every relationship has it’s negative cycles and ’sore ‘points where partners hurt each other.
In these cases and in many if not ALL the couples I have worked with the parallels between current difficulties and past dynamics, are remarkably apparent.
Why would we be so illogical as to choose a similar challenge to the one we faced earlier, surely we would rather choose something very different?
According to Imago Relationship theory, we unconsciously choose the same type of relationship challenge, firstly because it feels familiar, but also because we actually seek to work through the original problem . We can only do this by once again being in the difficulty and finding our way out of it, by transforming the hurting relationship into a healing one. With a similar pattern and participants we hope to work things through more consciously and positively.
This is indeed a complex and difficult situation in which to find oneself.
So how do we transform or work with the negative cycle.
Some ideas ; at the risk of over simplifying.
Sometimes professional help is needed to help identify the negative cycle, and to untangle the knots of how things went wrong, which actions , thoughts and words triggered off which responses. An intricate, fascinating and potentially extremely rewarding and growing experience!
May we merit to be constantly growing in understanding ourselves and our partners to a more whole, healing and close relationship.
Sadly, squabbles do occur. They may be petty, or a reflection of deeper discord of underlying issues. The cause of conflict may be simple, eg Reuvain leaves his socks on the floor, even though Sara repeatedly asks him not to. However a bigger piece of the puzzle is the meaning Sara gives to what just happened. This is known as the 90 -10 principle. This means that 10% of the problem is in the here and now, while 90% is based on past associations and experiences.
I will illustrate with some examples.
Yehuda looking at his cellphone while Ruchi is talking to him, upsets her. She becomes angry, feels hurt, withdraws. Ruchi’s sharp, critical comments to Yehuda are crushing for him, he feels emasculated, disempowered, he stays at work later. Although many women would feel irritated when their husband’s attention is elsewhere, for Ruchi it is particularly painful because her mother was emotionally cut off and not available to listen to her. Yehuda is deeply affected by Ruchi’s criticism because his mother was controlling and domineering.
Ahuvah’s not following through on practical stuff which she has promised to do, upsets Yaakov. He feels let down and alone, he becomes cold and sighs heavily. This causes Ahuvah, to feel resentful and despondent. Yaakov’s father was kind but unreliable, Ruchi”s behavior makes Yaakov feel insecure and anxious. Ahuvah comes from a family where emotions were not clearly expressed, Yaakov’s sighing is very threatening to her. Ahuvah and Yaakov’s responses to each other are exaggerated by their previous relationship experiences.
Every relationship has it’s negative cycles and ’sore ‘points where partners hurt each other.
In these cases and in many if not ALL the couples I have worked with the parallels between current difficulties and past dynamics, are remarkably apparent.
Why would we be so illogical as to choose a similar challenge to the one we faced earlier, surely we would rather choose something very different?
According to Imago Relationship theory, we unconsciously choose the same type of relationship challenge, firstly because it feels familiar, but also because we actually seek to work through the original problem . We can only do this by once again being in the difficulty and finding our way out of it, by transforming the hurting relationship into a healing one. With a similar pattern and participants we hope to work things through more consciously and positively.
This is indeed a complex and difficult situation in which to find oneself.
So how do we transform or work with the negative cycle.
Some ideas ; at the risk of over simplifying.
- Try identify, or become conscious of your own sensitivity and where it comes from. In this way you will take responsibility for your part of the problem and not put it all on your partner, even though the difficulty exists in the relationship also.
- Look at how your behavior or response fuels the negative cycle.
- See the cycle as having it’s own life story. This will reduce the blame.
- Try to move away from ‘who started’ the cycle, it really doesn’t matter and generally it’s a chicken/egg story.
- Try see the problem in less global or all or nothing terms.
- Try to discuss the issue in a less emotional/ accusatory way ie try to understand it or gain some perspective on the problem, including your own part in it before attacking your partner.
- Know that your way of seeing it/ feeling it is valid, but is not the only truth, your partner has his/ her own emotional reality which is also valid even if it is different to yours.
- You may not reach complete agreement but you can attempt to be genuinely interested in your partner’s experience.
- Hold onto your own truth even if your partner tries to invalidate this
Sometimes professional help is needed to help identify the negative cycle, and to untangle the knots of how things went wrong, which actions , thoughts and words triggered off which responses. An intricate, fascinating and potentially extremely rewarding and growing experience!
May we merit to be constantly growing in understanding ourselves and our partners to a more whole, healing and close relationship.