Sometimes couples are afraid to ‘rock the boat’ meaning to raise difficult, painful, contentious issues, for fear of the boat capsizing and sinking. They are afraid that the underlying cracks in the relationship will become gaping bleeding wounds and ultimately the relationship may die. This sounds quite melodramatic, but in truth it can happen. There is the risk that opening up issues will widen the divide, the deeper one digs, the more extensive and overwhelming the problems appear to be, under the spotlight one cannot hide.
So is it best to allow the boat to coast along on it’s peaceful journey, enjoying the view and the ride without wondering how solid the boat actually is and if it can withstand a storm?
This is a valid question to which there is no simple answer. Sometimes the choice is the ‘smoother’ one, avoidance of real pain, living parallel lives, living in a ‘non’ relationship rather than threatening it. This may be the choice for a number of reasons
In some situations, it may be more advisable to go for individual support rather than couples counseling. Some examples;
These difficult situations aside, there are many more “everyday” problems where truly the prognosis is much more positive. Where rocking the boat, or bringing up painful, frustrating issues, either current or past unresolved hurts can be aired, cleared up, seen more objectively, calmly.
This can be done with a facilitator who is neutral, who creates a safe non- judgemental environment. Who is aiming to enhance the couple’s closeness, who values the relationship. This process can be difficult, painful, uncertain. It can bring up feelings of sadness, loss, anger , hurt even hopelessness. But underlying the stormy ride are the premises that,
-We want to connect
-Hashem has brought us together.
-We want to grow individually and as a couple.
-Some of the issues are my own, not my partner’s
-I endeavour to bring up issues in a compassionate way, to build not to destroy.
-I want to develop our relationship for both of us, both to give and receive.
-We want to have a solid, real relationship even at the risk of a rocky ride.
Sometimes we need help to rock the boat; gently, consciously, constructively so that our ongoing journey is more meaningful and united, and Beezrat Hashem risking the spotlight will result in healing and greater understanding.
So is it best to allow the boat to coast along on it’s peaceful journey, enjoying the view and the ride without wondering how solid the boat actually is and if it can withstand a storm?
This is a valid question to which there is no simple answer. Sometimes the choice is the ‘smoother’ one, avoidance of real pain, living parallel lives, living in a ‘non’ relationship rather than threatening it. This may be the choice for a number of reasons
- For the kids
- For financial security
- To remain in a comfort zone
- Fear of being alone
- Fear of failure
- Fear of being exposed
- A sense of loyalty and commitment
- Guidance from a Rav who says this is the better option.
In some situations, it may be more advisable to go for individual support rather than couples counseling. Some examples;
- Obviously if your partner refuses to come
- If your partner has an addiction/mental health issue which s/he is unwilling to work on.
- If you have an addiction/ mental health issue.
- Sexual abuse and other trauma that may be impacting on the marriage.
These difficult situations aside, there are many more “everyday” problems where truly the prognosis is much more positive. Where rocking the boat, or bringing up painful, frustrating issues, either current or past unresolved hurts can be aired, cleared up, seen more objectively, calmly.
This can be done with a facilitator who is neutral, who creates a safe non- judgemental environment. Who is aiming to enhance the couple’s closeness, who values the relationship. This process can be difficult, painful, uncertain. It can bring up feelings of sadness, loss, anger , hurt even hopelessness. But underlying the stormy ride are the premises that,
-We want to connect
-Hashem has brought us together.
-We want to grow individually and as a couple.
-Some of the issues are my own, not my partner’s
-I endeavour to bring up issues in a compassionate way, to build not to destroy.
-I want to develop our relationship for both of us, both to give and receive.
-We want to have a solid, real relationship even at the risk of a rocky ride.
Sometimes we need help to rock the boat; gently, consciously, constructively so that our ongoing journey is more meaningful and united, and Beezrat Hashem risking the spotlight will result in healing and greater understanding.