( Names and details have been changed)
Dina and Yoel have been married for 12 years, they have 4 children ranging from ages 10 to 2 years.
Yoel works in his own computer business and earns a good living. He works very long hours.
Dina worked as a Dental assistant before they made Aliya 5 years ago. Since coming to Israel she has not worked outside the home.
Dina schlepped Yoel to therapy. He did not see great problems in the relationship and felt it was costly and unnecessary.
Dina felt their relationship was in serious trouble, she was very unhappy, to the point where she was questioning where it was headed. This came as a shock to Yoel, although with some probing he did say he felt judged and criticized by Dina and also felt they didn’t share much together in terms of common interests and activities. He felt that Dina didn’t really ‘ get’ him. Nevertheless if Dina took care of him and the house and kids and was in a good mood, he was happy. The problem was that she so often seemed to be unhappy which he found to be very annoying and frustrating.
Dina found Yoel’s moods to be very difficult to deal with. He was most often in a bad mood or worse, really depressed and anxious and she felt he took this out on her and the kids.
For years she had tried to be nice and increasingly nicer to him, believing that this would make him happy and fix everything. Clearly this was not working, he seemed to take her more for granted the nicer she was. Dina’s whole world revolved around Yoel, she longed for acknowledgement, appreciation and love. She felt miserable, had low self-esteem and was also getting really angry.
Dina comes from a family where she was criticized by her mom and pretty much ignored by her father. She longed for her mother’s approval, but never seemed to be able to do enough to get this, so she tried harder and harder to achieve this.
Yoel is not close to his mother, he feels she is judgemental and superficial, he has little respect for her. He is a little closer to his father, but always felt he was not religious or smart enough for him, he gave up trying to win his love.
The first part of the therapy focused on helping Dina to express her feelings and frustrations in a non-critical manner and helping Yoel to hear this without feeling attacked and hopeless.
In turn, Yoel also needed help and permission to access and express his difficulties in the relationship.
Dina learned to develop herself separately from Yoel and not to rely on him as her sole source of self affirmation. She slowly learned to depersonalize his moods and irritations. She developed other interests and friendships and became less clingy.
Dina learned to state her needs and expectations clearly, without fear of Yoel’s response. She became more assertive and less pleasing.
Yoel agreed to take medication with a doctor’s consultion to help him manage his moods. He also became more aware of the impact of his moods on his family, and tried to manage his behavior better despite what he was feeling.
Dina learned to set better boundaries with the kids also, creating a generally calmer atmosphere at home.
Dina was more able to give Yoel the space he needed in the relationship eg time to spend learning or with friends and felt less threatened by his absences.
Dina learned to take better care care of herself physically and emotionally so she was less worn out and felt less resentful to her family for sapping everything from her.
Yoel agreed to go to his own individual therapy, where he slowly learned to understand the source of his negativity and at times hopeless feelings.
He also learned to balance his own time a little better and to work slightly shorter hours so that he was less stressed.
Each partner gradually took responsibility for their own contribution to their problems as a couple rather than only seeing the faults in the other.
Slowly a stronger sense of trust developed where it felt safer to address problems in the relationship.
The general pattern of Dina being the kind caretaker, and Yoel being withdrawn and self absorbed balanced out. Dina became more self aware and focused on her own needs, and assertive. Yoel became more aware of his family’s needs, despite his own personal challenges . This was growth for both of them. They internalized parts of the other into themselves creating a healthier, more balanced sense of self which spilled over into the relationship. They also learned to identify sources in their families of origin which made each of them more sensitive to each other’s ‘faults’, often these were triggers of their own.
Each couple has it’s own unique challenges and negative patterns. Most often it takes a lot of work both within the couple and within each individual to transform the relationship’s difficulties into a source of individual growth and closeness. May Hashem help us in our journey towards greater individual wholeness and growth as well as couple closeness, both processes which can complement the other and work harmoniously together.
Dina and Yoel have been married for 12 years, they have 4 children ranging from ages 10 to 2 years.
Yoel works in his own computer business and earns a good living. He works very long hours.
Dina worked as a Dental assistant before they made Aliya 5 years ago. Since coming to Israel she has not worked outside the home.
Dina schlepped Yoel to therapy. He did not see great problems in the relationship and felt it was costly and unnecessary.
Dina felt their relationship was in serious trouble, she was very unhappy, to the point where she was questioning where it was headed. This came as a shock to Yoel, although with some probing he did say he felt judged and criticized by Dina and also felt they didn’t share much together in terms of common interests and activities. He felt that Dina didn’t really ‘ get’ him. Nevertheless if Dina took care of him and the house and kids and was in a good mood, he was happy. The problem was that she so often seemed to be unhappy which he found to be very annoying and frustrating.
Dina found Yoel’s moods to be very difficult to deal with. He was most often in a bad mood or worse, really depressed and anxious and she felt he took this out on her and the kids.
For years she had tried to be nice and increasingly nicer to him, believing that this would make him happy and fix everything. Clearly this was not working, he seemed to take her more for granted the nicer she was. Dina’s whole world revolved around Yoel, she longed for acknowledgement, appreciation and love. She felt miserable, had low self-esteem and was also getting really angry.
Dina comes from a family where she was criticized by her mom and pretty much ignored by her father. She longed for her mother’s approval, but never seemed to be able to do enough to get this, so she tried harder and harder to achieve this.
Yoel is not close to his mother, he feels she is judgemental and superficial, he has little respect for her. He is a little closer to his father, but always felt he was not religious or smart enough for him, he gave up trying to win his love.
The first part of the therapy focused on helping Dina to express her feelings and frustrations in a non-critical manner and helping Yoel to hear this without feeling attacked and hopeless.
In turn, Yoel also needed help and permission to access and express his difficulties in the relationship.
Dina learned to develop herself separately from Yoel and not to rely on him as her sole source of self affirmation. She slowly learned to depersonalize his moods and irritations. She developed other interests and friendships and became less clingy.
Dina learned to state her needs and expectations clearly, without fear of Yoel’s response. She became more assertive and less pleasing.
Yoel agreed to take medication with a doctor’s consultion to help him manage his moods. He also became more aware of the impact of his moods on his family, and tried to manage his behavior better despite what he was feeling.
Dina learned to set better boundaries with the kids also, creating a generally calmer atmosphere at home.
Dina was more able to give Yoel the space he needed in the relationship eg time to spend learning or with friends and felt less threatened by his absences.
Dina learned to take better care care of herself physically and emotionally so she was less worn out and felt less resentful to her family for sapping everything from her.
Yoel agreed to go to his own individual therapy, where he slowly learned to understand the source of his negativity and at times hopeless feelings.
He also learned to balance his own time a little better and to work slightly shorter hours so that he was less stressed.
Each partner gradually took responsibility for their own contribution to their problems as a couple rather than only seeing the faults in the other.
Slowly a stronger sense of trust developed where it felt safer to address problems in the relationship.
The general pattern of Dina being the kind caretaker, and Yoel being withdrawn and self absorbed balanced out. Dina became more self aware and focused on her own needs, and assertive. Yoel became more aware of his family’s needs, despite his own personal challenges . This was growth for both of them. They internalized parts of the other into themselves creating a healthier, more balanced sense of self which spilled over into the relationship. They also learned to identify sources in their families of origin which made each of them more sensitive to each other’s ‘faults’, often these were triggers of their own.
Each couple has it’s own unique challenges and negative patterns. Most often it takes a lot of work both within the couple and within each individual to transform the relationship’s difficulties into a source of individual growth and closeness. May Hashem help us in our journey towards greater individual wholeness and growth as well as couple closeness, both processes which can complement the other and work harmoniously together.