(Based on case examples)
Ruth is fun loving and outgoing, she enjoys social events and meeting new people. Her husband Joe is an introvert , an academic, he loves reading and studying, he also enjoys having Ruth all to himself.
David is highly organized and intense, he likes planning ahead and knowing the schedule. He enjoys spending time with his family, but needs to know what they will be doing. He is married to Shaina a highly creative, spontaneous, bubbly person. She loves adventure and doing fun things with the family.
Yoel is quiet and serious, he needs a lot of alone, quiet time, to learn, work and simply manage his life. Dina is involved in communal affairs and projects, she needs her husband to help her out and support her by being available for the kids.
Stan is very intellectual and an abstract thinker, he loves literature, music and politics, he is married to Judy who is positive and easy going. She finds Stan hard to please and critical. He finds her distractable and annoying.
Tessa is a logical thinker and likes to get the job done. She is married to Ben, an emotional, sensitive person who needs Tessa’s empathy and support, he finds her critical and dismissive.
Judy is intuitive and deep feeling, she loves to spend time connecting and sharing with those closest to her. She is married to Leon, a real doer, he is always busy at work, learning, engaging with others, he never seems to have enough time and finds it hard to please his wife.
In all of these situations there is fertile ground for dissatisfaction, frustration, disappointment and hurt. Often one’s deepest hopes and wishes for connection and closeness seem to be impossible to attain. The picture one had in mind of how the marriage was going to be is so far from the reality.
The overwhelming sense of being in the relationship may be one of loneliness, anger, resentment and pain. Inevitably one or both members of the couple think they have made a mistake, they feel this was not what they signed up for.
It is important to acknowledge that these feelings are real and valid. There is a true loss of what one had hoped for and something of a shock at the stark, challenging reality. The transition from the ideal to the real is very painful, but it is the inevitable next step in the relationship journey, people are different and difficult, relationships are challenging, we are all flawed and bring baggage.
In fact this is where the real work of the relationship begins.
It does not mean the relationship is has been a mistake! It is potentially the start of the real marriage , known as ‘THE CONSCIOUS MARRIAGE’. In Imago therapy, this is where the real work begins. The work of the ‘CONSCIOUS MARRIAGE’ takes many forms, some of which I will outline below.
Yes differences are inevitable and often present enormous challenges but they can also be the building blocks of growth, empathy, communication and deeper understanding to creating a more meaningful relationship.
Ruth is fun loving and outgoing, she enjoys social events and meeting new people. Her husband Joe is an introvert , an academic, he loves reading and studying, he also enjoys having Ruth all to himself.
David is highly organized and intense, he likes planning ahead and knowing the schedule. He enjoys spending time with his family, but needs to know what they will be doing. He is married to Shaina a highly creative, spontaneous, bubbly person. She loves adventure and doing fun things with the family.
Yoel is quiet and serious, he needs a lot of alone, quiet time, to learn, work and simply manage his life. Dina is involved in communal affairs and projects, she needs her husband to help her out and support her by being available for the kids.
Stan is very intellectual and an abstract thinker, he loves literature, music and politics, he is married to Judy who is positive and easy going. She finds Stan hard to please and critical. He finds her distractable and annoying.
Tessa is a logical thinker and likes to get the job done. She is married to Ben, an emotional, sensitive person who needs Tessa’s empathy and support, he finds her critical and dismissive.
Judy is intuitive and deep feeling, she loves to spend time connecting and sharing with those closest to her. She is married to Leon, a real doer, he is always busy at work, learning, engaging with others, he never seems to have enough time and finds it hard to please his wife.
In all of these situations there is fertile ground for dissatisfaction, frustration, disappointment and hurt. Often one’s deepest hopes and wishes for connection and closeness seem to be impossible to attain. The picture one had in mind of how the marriage was going to be is so far from the reality.
The overwhelming sense of being in the relationship may be one of loneliness, anger, resentment and pain. Inevitably one or both members of the couple think they have made a mistake, they feel this was not what they signed up for.
It is important to acknowledge that these feelings are real and valid. There is a true loss of what one had hoped for and something of a shock at the stark, challenging reality. The transition from the ideal to the real is very painful, but it is the inevitable next step in the relationship journey, people are different and difficult, relationships are challenging, we are all flawed and bring baggage.
In fact this is where the real work of the relationship begins.
It does not mean the relationship is has been a mistake! It is potentially the start of the real marriage , known as ‘THE CONSCIOUS MARRIAGE’. In Imago therapy, this is where the real work begins. The work of the ‘CONSCIOUS MARRIAGE’ takes many forms, some of which I will outline below.
- Feeling and expressing frustrations in a non- blaming way.
- Expressing one’s needs in a realistic way
- Taking responsibility for one’s own contribution to the problem
- Being committed to working at the issues and looking at oneself
- Being committed to being in the relationship.
- Valuing the marriage and the family.
- Being open to personal and relationship growth
- Trying to listen with an open mind and heart
- Trying to see the good in the other
- Trying to understand one’s partner’s world and needs
- Respecting differences
- Not expecting all one’s needs to be fulfilled in the relationship
- Trying to develop one’s middot; patience, tolerance, kindness, humility etc
- Being honest when one is unhappy
- Setting boundaries
- Communicating one’s own feelings
- Understanding that growth takes time and effort and has ups and downs
- Being supportive when one partner is in greater need eg if there is a loss, baby born etc
- Belief/Faith that we are meant to be together, these challenges are from Hashem, for our personal growth and our growth together as a couple.
- Faith in the goodness of each other and in the relationship that we can work towards developing a strong, close, everlasting connection.
Yes differences are inevitable and often present enormous challenges but they can also be the building blocks of growth, empathy, communication and deeper understanding to creating a more meaningful relationship.