We’ve all heard the cliché that opposites attract, and often marry.
A few months into the marriage, the opposite dimensions in our partner, which were a source of attraction, can become a source of complaint and frustration of; ‘we are so different”, meaning, the couple feels they can’t get along, this has been a mistake, it’s not working.
So why do people often choose a partner who is so different, wouldn’t it make more sense to choose someone similar in personality, interests and strengths. This sounds like a recipe for a more harmonious, smoother relationship.
The truth is that both consciously and unconsciously we seek someone who has strengths which complement our deficits. For example an introvert will tend to marry an extrovert knowing that the qualities of the extrovert will make life easier for the introvert. She can deal with the people stuff, the organizational stuff, the teachers etc…
A free thinker marries a conservative thinker because somewhere he is seeking the order and structure of rules and boundaries.
An emotionally driven person marries an intellectual because she needs the logic and solutions to contain her.
A thinker will marry a doer because she knows you need these strengths to get along in the world.
The list goes on and on.
There is another important reason why we choose the opposite, that’s not only for functional, practical reasons. This is because we also seek to develop ourselves, balance ourselves, learn from our partner’s strengths to become more whole, more developed and more integrated within ourselves. We actually want to grow through being in relationship with our partner and incorporate some of his/her strengths.
So this sounds great, and logical and so sensible, so what is the problem? Why do the differences become such a source of conflict and frustration?
The obvious answer is that which we have all experienced.
Namely feeling misunderstood, invalidated, frustrated that we speak different languages, that we have different needs and interests, that our partner does not deeply understand how we think, feel and behave. Truly this is a challenging experience.
So , inherent in the dynamic of living with one’s opposite, is incompatability and conflict. We need to develop our emotional, intellectual and spiritual tools to overcome this challenge. Of course this is all part of our growth that we hope to achieve. Here are some tools to help address the problem;
A few months into the marriage, the opposite dimensions in our partner, which were a source of attraction, can become a source of complaint and frustration of; ‘we are so different”, meaning, the couple feels they can’t get along, this has been a mistake, it’s not working.
So why do people often choose a partner who is so different, wouldn’t it make more sense to choose someone similar in personality, interests and strengths. This sounds like a recipe for a more harmonious, smoother relationship.
The truth is that both consciously and unconsciously we seek someone who has strengths which complement our deficits. For example an introvert will tend to marry an extrovert knowing that the qualities of the extrovert will make life easier for the introvert. She can deal with the people stuff, the organizational stuff, the teachers etc…
A free thinker marries a conservative thinker because somewhere he is seeking the order and structure of rules and boundaries.
An emotionally driven person marries an intellectual because she needs the logic and solutions to contain her.
A thinker will marry a doer because she knows you need these strengths to get along in the world.
The list goes on and on.
There is another important reason why we choose the opposite, that’s not only for functional, practical reasons. This is because we also seek to develop ourselves, balance ourselves, learn from our partner’s strengths to become more whole, more developed and more integrated within ourselves. We actually want to grow through being in relationship with our partner and incorporate some of his/her strengths.
So this sounds great, and logical and so sensible, so what is the problem? Why do the differences become such a source of conflict and frustration?
The obvious answer is that which we have all experienced.
Namely feeling misunderstood, invalidated, frustrated that we speak different languages, that we have different needs and interests, that our partner does not deeply understand how we think, feel and behave. Truly this is a challenging experience.
So , inherent in the dynamic of living with one’s opposite, is incompatability and conflict. We need to develop our emotional, intellectual and spiritual tools to overcome this challenge. Of course this is all part of our growth that we hope to achieve. Here are some tools to help address the problem;
- I seek to understand that something which feels difficult or even wrong, doesn’t necessarily mean it is wrong. It could be an opportunity for me to develop my rational side which means that feelings are not facts. Perhaps I am in this to develop and value the rational, logical part of myself which is weak
- I choose to learn to respect another’s way of being in the world, and not to assume mine is the right or only way.
- I choose to focus on my partner’s strengths and appreciate what the differences bring to the relationship in a positive sense.
- I seek to help my partner’s growth by sharing my own strengths and not resenting that I have to do ‘all this on my own’.
- I express my frustrations in a non blaming, non attacking way in order to create greater understanding and harmony.
- I don’t expect perfection in areas where my partner is lacking, but I also don’ give up on his/ her capacity to grow in their areas of limitation.
- I try and see the value in the other’s way of being, even if it’s hard and conflicts with my own truth.
- I have faith that Hashem will help us find togetherness despite our differences and I focus on my partner’s strengths , admire them, appreciate them and strive to develop some of them in myself.