We all know that the Torah’s perspective is that the building of a good marriage requires much work and effort. We are commonly taught that marriage is about giving, respecting the other and putting the needs of the other above those of our own. This is all noble and true. Couples come into their marriage armed with idealism, good intentions and commitment. They believe in and share this outlook.
Yet, a little way down the line, couples find themselves feeling ‘stuck’ and frustrated. In the initial ‘romantic’ phase of the relationship, the partner was idealized. Only good qualities were noticed. Everything seemed exciting, wonderful and full of promise. Any negatives were minimized or avoided. What a blissful, euphoric state. Sadly, this is a short lived phase of unparalleled joy and optimism. Real life quickly kicks in as day to day life stresses begin to emerge.
Many couples are unprepared for this sudden dramatic change. The next phase of the relationship, known in Imago Relationship Theory as the ‘power struggle’, begins to emerge. Arguments, conflicts, differences are experienced. There may be a sense of irritability, a feeling that something is not right. The couple begins to wonder: what has gone wrong, what is being missed and worse, have we made a terrible mistake in our choice of a partner?
Couples will generally not give up on their marriage too quickly. Rather, they try harder to communicate, work at their issues and give to each other; sometimes things will improve, but unfortunately, often the deeper issues in the relationship are not really understood and addressed and despite their best efforts and intentions, the couple feels more and more at a loss.
In addition, the stresses of life begin to pile up; financial strain, a growing family, and the complicated relationship with ‘in-laws’, to name but a few. These add huge extra (but actually ‘normal’) pressure to the relationship. If the foundation of the marriage is not solid, the couple is likely to be going through a very hard time, again questioning the viability of their relationship.
Imago Relationship Therapy was developed by Harville Hendrix PhD, in partnership with his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt PhD. It presents a comprehensive model of understanding and working with couples. This methodology incorporates both a theoretical perspective and practical tools for dealing with marriage challenges. The goal is to help a couple transform the difficulties in their relationship, into opportunities.
In order to achieve this, the couple must learn to become aware of their unmet needs in their relationship and thereafter to express them in positive ways. Usually, however, as each partner becomes aware of their needs and frustrations, there generally emerges a sense of feeling wronged by their partner. A list of the faults of the other emerges, both in character and behavior. Each partner can eloquently and accurately describe what went wrong, how they have been hurt or misunderstood by the other, how their spouse has let them down.
Of course, this experience of hurt and disappointment is true and valid, and some relief may be gained by sharing it. In addition, however, each partner needs help in understanding what they bring to the relationship in terms of their own negative behaviors, triggers and expectations. In other words, how are they adding to the problem and even more importantly, why did they choose this particular partner in the first place?
According to Imago Relationship Theory, there are very deep, specific reasons as to why we choose the partners we do. In fact we choose someone who is going to annoy us or worse, hurt us, in surprisingly similar ways to how we were let down in previous pivotal relationships, often that of a parent figure. We have all been wounded in some way in relationships and it is through a relationship that we must heal. We can ultimately come to understand that these hurts can actually become opportunities for self growth when properly understood and communicated in a compassionate way.
There is also growth opportunity in trying to understand the needs and hurts of the other. We strive to move from a place of judgment and blame to one of curiosity and understanding, from seeing the partner as an opponent to that of a potential ally and support. We strive to create a safe environment where partners can share with each other more freely.
Growth in our relationship has many facets, but so far we have highlighted two essential aspects
-growing through expressing our needs and disappointments in a loving way
-growing through trying to be present and giving to our spouse.
May we blessed to continue growing in our sacred relationship.
Yet, a little way down the line, couples find themselves feeling ‘stuck’ and frustrated. In the initial ‘romantic’ phase of the relationship, the partner was idealized. Only good qualities were noticed. Everything seemed exciting, wonderful and full of promise. Any negatives were minimized or avoided. What a blissful, euphoric state. Sadly, this is a short lived phase of unparalleled joy and optimism. Real life quickly kicks in as day to day life stresses begin to emerge.
Many couples are unprepared for this sudden dramatic change. The next phase of the relationship, known in Imago Relationship Theory as the ‘power struggle’, begins to emerge. Arguments, conflicts, differences are experienced. There may be a sense of irritability, a feeling that something is not right. The couple begins to wonder: what has gone wrong, what is being missed and worse, have we made a terrible mistake in our choice of a partner?
Couples will generally not give up on their marriage too quickly. Rather, they try harder to communicate, work at their issues and give to each other; sometimes things will improve, but unfortunately, often the deeper issues in the relationship are not really understood and addressed and despite their best efforts and intentions, the couple feels more and more at a loss.
In addition, the stresses of life begin to pile up; financial strain, a growing family, and the complicated relationship with ‘in-laws’, to name but a few. These add huge extra (but actually ‘normal’) pressure to the relationship. If the foundation of the marriage is not solid, the couple is likely to be going through a very hard time, again questioning the viability of their relationship.
Imago Relationship Therapy was developed by Harville Hendrix PhD, in partnership with his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt PhD. It presents a comprehensive model of understanding and working with couples. This methodology incorporates both a theoretical perspective and practical tools for dealing with marriage challenges. The goal is to help a couple transform the difficulties in their relationship, into opportunities.
In order to achieve this, the couple must learn to become aware of their unmet needs in their relationship and thereafter to express them in positive ways. Usually, however, as each partner becomes aware of their needs and frustrations, there generally emerges a sense of feeling wronged by their partner. A list of the faults of the other emerges, both in character and behavior. Each partner can eloquently and accurately describe what went wrong, how they have been hurt or misunderstood by the other, how their spouse has let them down.
Of course, this experience of hurt and disappointment is true and valid, and some relief may be gained by sharing it. In addition, however, each partner needs help in understanding what they bring to the relationship in terms of their own negative behaviors, triggers and expectations. In other words, how are they adding to the problem and even more importantly, why did they choose this particular partner in the first place?
According to Imago Relationship Theory, there are very deep, specific reasons as to why we choose the partners we do. In fact we choose someone who is going to annoy us or worse, hurt us, in surprisingly similar ways to how we were let down in previous pivotal relationships, often that of a parent figure. We have all been wounded in some way in relationships and it is through a relationship that we must heal. We can ultimately come to understand that these hurts can actually become opportunities for self growth when properly understood and communicated in a compassionate way.
There is also growth opportunity in trying to understand the needs and hurts of the other. We strive to move from a place of judgment and blame to one of curiosity and understanding, from seeing the partner as an opponent to that of a potential ally and support. We strive to create a safe environment where partners can share with each other more freely.
Growth in our relationship has many facets, but so far we have highlighted two essential aspects
-growing through expressing our needs and disappointments in a loving way
-growing through trying to be present and giving to our spouse.
May we blessed to continue growing in our sacred relationship.