The heart of the Imago Marriage Counselling technique is really quite simple……. But can be extremely hard to implement. How so?
It goes something like this;
One member of the couple elects to be the sender, (the speaker), the other agrees to be the receiver, (listener), needless to say, it is generally much harder to listen without responding, especially since the issues being raised are usually emotionally arousing and contentious.
Thus, the dialogue is not a ‘normal’ conversation with one person talking and the other responding. Rather the sender is given ample time to express himself and expand on what he needs to say until he is finished and until he feels completely heard.
Only at this point are the roles reversed and the couple ‘switches over’.
The listener will repeat what he has heard and ask ‘did I get you?’ If the answer is no, he will have to listen again. He then asks, is there more…
It is a fascinating process to be part of, to see how the speaker will share information, feelings, thoughts and other associated aspects, until this point, often never shared or verbalized. When a safe, calm space is created, a spirit of curiosity emerges where the listener can truly learn much that was unknown in his partner.
The process shifts from an argument and trying to prove who is right, to one of attempting to share & understand. Of course this is not always easy to achieve. The therapist must use considerable skill in supporting the couple, especially the listener through this process.
If the couple manages to stick with the dialogue, something magical can emerge, the issue at hand, or the problem which so urgently needed to be solved, falls into the background as something new is created; a sense of connection, of joining and enlightenment as the couple are really listening to each other, striving to hear & understand, rather than be proved right.
This is often, unfortunately a relatively rare experience for the couple in conflict, (at home, in their ‘normal’ life)
The therapist will also help the speaker to access deeper feelings linked to the example brought, and he will be coached to share his vulnerable side, when ready, rather than blaming, shaming or criticizing the partner which is so often the ‘natural’ way of speaking. The therapist will also make the speaker aware of his tone and body language while he is speaking, so that his words will be more easily received.
Effort will be made in the session to ensure that the roles will be reversed so that the listener will get time to speak and to be heard.
So, to recap (a lot of recapping happens in the session), the point of the imago dialogue is to create safety so the couple feels safe enough to share, to be vulnerable. The dialogue facilitates real listening which creates connection and togetherness. This is more important than the actual issue being discussed. The objective is to create a sense of “we are on the same team’, ‘I really want to understand your perspective’, ‘I may not agree, but I value your way of seeing it, it has validity”…etc. ..
These ways of thinking make way for hearing the other and sharing one’ own difficulties. Although decisions have to be made, at times compromises need to be reached, much of this can be achieved when the couple learns to move out of the power struggle towards working, connecting and joining together.
May Hashem help us all in this sacred endeavor and facilitate our goal which is towards attaining increased closeness and connection.
It goes something like this;
One member of the couple elects to be the sender, (the speaker), the other agrees to be the receiver, (listener), needless to say, it is generally much harder to listen without responding, especially since the issues being raised are usually emotionally arousing and contentious.
Thus, the dialogue is not a ‘normal’ conversation with one person talking and the other responding. Rather the sender is given ample time to express himself and expand on what he needs to say until he is finished and until he feels completely heard.
Only at this point are the roles reversed and the couple ‘switches over’.
The listener will repeat what he has heard and ask ‘did I get you?’ If the answer is no, he will have to listen again. He then asks, is there more…
It is a fascinating process to be part of, to see how the speaker will share information, feelings, thoughts and other associated aspects, until this point, often never shared or verbalized. When a safe, calm space is created, a spirit of curiosity emerges where the listener can truly learn much that was unknown in his partner.
The process shifts from an argument and trying to prove who is right, to one of attempting to share & understand. Of course this is not always easy to achieve. The therapist must use considerable skill in supporting the couple, especially the listener through this process.
If the couple manages to stick with the dialogue, something magical can emerge, the issue at hand, or the problem which so urgently needed to be solved, falls into the background as something new is created; a sense of connection, of joining and enlightenment as the couple are really listening to each other, striving to hear & understand, rather than be proved right.
This is often, unfortunately a relatively rare experience for the couple in conflict, (at home, in their ‘normal’ life)
The therapist will also help the speaker to access deeper feelings linked to the example brought, and he will be coached to share his vulnerable side, when ready, rather than blaming, shaming or criticizing the partner which is so often the ‘natural’ way of speaking. The therapist will also make the speaker aware of his tone and body language while he is speaking, so that his words will be more easily received.
Effort will be made in the session to ensure that the roles will be reversed so that the listener will get time to speak and to be heard.
So, to recap (a lot of recapping happens in the session), the point of the imago dialogue is to create safety so the couple feels safe enough to share, to be vulnerable. The dialogue facilitates real listening which creates connection and togetherness. This is more important than the actual issue being discussed. The objective is to create a sense of “we are on the same team’, ‘I really want to understand your perspective’, ‘I may not agree, but I value your way of seeing it, it has validity”…etc. ..
These ways of thinking make way for hearing the other and sharing one’ own difficulties. Although decisions have to be made, at times compromises need to be reached, much of this can be achieved when the couple learns to move out of the power struggle towards working, connecting and joining together.
May Hashem help us all in this sacred endeavor and facilitate our goal which is towards attaining increased closeness and connection.