Have you ever noticed that if you are in a bad mood, you find your spouse’s behavior/ habits more irritating than usual, that if you are feeling down, you experience him as particularly insensitive, that if you are exhausted, you find him to be so unhelpful…reluctantly, we will have to admit this does happen.
Yes, this is something we can relate do recognize. In Psychology jargon, this phenomenon is called ‘projection’, meaning we project or place our own struggle or difficulty onto someone else, or, in other words, even further we blame them as the cause of our problem. For eg, we might say to our partner; you are insensitive to my needs, therefore I am feeling down…when in truth I was feeling down anyway due to my own frustration/ difficulty/ hard day. Yes, my spouse’s reaction may not have helped, but to be honest, he wasn’t the cause. (Now this is not to say that my spouse’s behavior is never the cause of my difficulty, but generally, there is a good deal of my own stuff in there).
It is generally easier to blame my important other (or someone or something else), for my state of mind, than to really look into myself and try discover the real root of my problem. This can be a painful and heart wrenching process. For eg, I’m feeling down because I’m not finding an avenue to be creative, or I am exhausted because I need help in the house, or I am depressed because I’m at home with the baby and need to find a way to get out more…etc. , I’m sure you can fill in many of your own blanks. True when we are feeling this way, we certainly need support or help, but our spouse may not be the cause or potential solution of the problem.
In addition, just to complicate matters further, we not only project our current difficulties on our partner, but we also bring feelings based on experiences from the past and mix them into the current situation. For eg, if Leah’s mother was emotionally absent, and her husband Reuvain comes home and doesn’t greet her with eye contact, her memory and sensitivity to being ignored by her mother connects immediately and powerfully with Reuvain’s behavior, Leah become’s extremely upset and reacts intensely to what she perceived as his slighting of her. Reuvain is tired and distracted from a long day at work and is shocked by what he feels is Leah’s strong over reaction. If the couple is not able to understand what just happened, conflict, and even worse a pattern of conflict and misunderstanding may set in.
So what do we do with all this bothersome, complicated stuff, and isn’t it true that our partner can irritate, hurt , ignore, disappoint us…and are we not entitled to feel angry, sad, lonely, frustrated..The answer is yes, of course this is true, but we need to look into ourselves, not only at our partner.
We need to work very hard on our own self awareness and be very tough on taking responsibility for our own mood/ state of mind. If I have had a hard day and am feeling sensitive/ vulnerable, I need to be very aware that I am in a needier state than usual. I cannot expect my partner to automatically intuit this. I know that I am going to be more reactive/ clingy /sensitive than usual (depending on my style), I have to be careful not to jump down his throat at whatever he does or doesn’t do.
Rather I need to find a time, and it may not be as he walks in the door, to explain what I’m feeling, what I’m needing so he knows where I stand. I try not to accuse or blame, but to explain, to express, especially my feelings and needs. Often when expressed in a non-blaming way, our spouse is happy to help. If you feel you are not being heard, acknowledged or validated, despite what seems to you to be your best effort at being calm and non-critical, professional help may be needed. It is possible that your partner’s stuff is getting in the way of his not being able to be there for you.
To go back to where we started, you may need your own help, away from your partner, in addressing your needs and frustrations. Perhaps you need to nurture friendships, exercise, get help, express your creativity, resolve deeper family issues…etc, etc. If you feel more whole, your relationship is likely to be healthier.
All in all, separating our stuff from our partner is certainly a complex process. It is not easy figuring this all out and sometimes external help is needed. But let us strive to look deeper at ourselves and what we bring and contribute to the problem rather than looking only at our spouse’s failings. May Hashem help us all in this holy endeavour.
Yes, this is something we can relate do recognize. In Psychology jargon, this phenomenon is called ‘projection’, meaning we project or place our own struggle or difficulty onto someone else, or, in other words, even further we blame them as the cause of our problem. For eg, we might say to our partner; you are insensitive to my needs, therefore I am feeling down…when in truth I was feeling down anyway due to my own frustration/ difficulty/ hard day. Yes, my spouse’s reaction may not have helped, but to be honest, he wasn’t the cause. (Now this is not to say that my spouse’s behavior is never the cause of my difficulty, but generally, there is a good deal of my own stuff in there).
It is generally easier to blame my important other (or someone or something else), for my state of mind, than to really look into myself and try discover the real root of my problem. This can be a painful and heart wrenching process. For eg, I’m feeling down because I’m not finding an avenue to be creative, or I am exhausted because I need help in the house, or I am depressed because I’m at home with the baby and need to find a way to get out more…etc. , I’m sure you can fill in many of your own blanks. True when we are feeling this way, we certainly need support or help, but our spouse may not be the cause or potential solution of the problem.
In addition, just to complicate matters further, we not only project our current difficulties on our partner, but we also bring feelings based on experiences from the past and mix them into the current situation. For eg, if Leah’s mother was emotionally absent, and her husband Reuvain comes home and doesn’t greet her with eye contact, her memory and sensitivity to being ignored by her mother connects immediately and powerfully with Reuvain’s behavior, Leah become’s extremely upset and reacts intensely to what she perceived as his slighting of her. Reuvain is tired and distracted from a long day at work and is shocked by what he feels is Leah’s strong over reaction. If the couple is not able to understand what just happened, conflict, and even worse a pattern of conflict and misunderstanding may set in.
So what do we do with all this bothersome, complicated stuff, and isn’t it true that our partner can irritate, hurt , ignore, disappoint us…and are we not entitled to feel angry, sad, lonely, frustrated..The answer is yes, of course this is true, but we need to look into ourselves, not only at our partner.
We need to work very hard on our own self awareness and be very tough on taking responsibility for our own mood/ state of mind. If I have had a hard day and am feeling sensitive/ vulnerable, I need to be very aware that I am in a needier state than usual. I cannot expect my partner to automatically intuit this. I know that I am going to be more reactive/ clingy /sensitive than usual (depending on my style), I have to be careful not to jump down his throat at whatever he does or doesn’t do.
Rather I need to find a time, and it may not be as he walks in the door, to explain what I’m feeling, what I’m needing so he knows where I stand. I try not to accuse or blame, but to explain, to express, especially my feelings and needs. Often when expressed in a non-blaming way, our spouse is happy to help. If you feel you are not being heard, acknowledged or validated, despite what seems to you to be your best effort at being calm and non-critical, professional help may be needed. It is possible that your partner’s stuff is getting in the way of his not being able to be there for you.
To go back to where we started, you may need your own help, away from your partner, in addressing your needs and frustrations. Perhaps you need to nurture friendships, exercise, get help, express your creativity, resolve deeper family issues…etc, etc. If you feel more whole, your relationship is likely to be healthier.
All in all, separating our stuff from our partner is certainly a complex process. It is not easy figuring this all out and sometimes external help is needed. But let us strive to look deeper at ourselves and what we bring and contribute to the problem rather than looking only at our spouse’s failings. May Hashem help us all in this holy endeavour.