- ‘My wife is so moody, I don’t know what to do..’
- ‘My husband has never made proper parnossah, he jumps from job to job..’
- ‘My wife is the worst homemaker, we live in chaos..’
- ‘My husband is oblivious to everything and everyone around him..’
- ‘ My wife is critical of everything I do, I feel emasculated..’
- ‘My husband has ADD, he never follows through on anything..’
- ‘My wife tries to control everything I do, I feel like I have no voice..’
- ‘My husband is always busy & pre-occupied, he has no time for me & the family..’
The criticism we feel & express is usually based on truth…(like loshen hora), how do we negotiate this, live with this?
We could try and delude ourselves into believing that these faults don’t really exist; all is good, (this usually occurs at the beginning of the relationship), this won’t work, the frustration will surface.
We could constantly point out these failings to our spouse, ( the ongoing criticism approach), obviously sure to create animosity, resentment and no behavioural change.
We could try and accept the fault and move forward; this may have some merit, but the frustration and consequence of the problem remain.
I would like to suggest another possible approach.
Yes it is okay, even important to be honest about your spouse’s failings, to know what your challenge in the relationship is. Yes, this negative aspect is central, usually triggers you in the most fundamental way.
To quote my favorite songwriter;
‘There is a crack in Everything, That’s how the light gets in’.
- ‘My husband has never made proper parnossah, he jumps from job to job..’
- ‘My wife is the worst homemaker, we live in chaos..’
- ‘My husband is oblivious to everything and everyone around him..’
- ‘ My wife is critical of everything I do, I feel emasculated..’
- ‘My husband has ADD, he never follows through on anything..’
- ‘My wife tries to control everything I do, I feel like I have no voice..’
- ‘My husband is always busy & pre-occupied, he has no time for me & the family..’
The criticism we feel & express is usually based on truth…(like loshen hora), how do we negotiate this, live with this?
We could try and delude ourselves into believing that these faults don’t really exist; all is good, (this usually occurs at the beginning of the relationship), this won’t work, the frustration will surface.
We could constantly point out these failings to our spouse, ( the ongoing criticism approach), obviously sure to create animosity, resentment and no behavioural change.
We could try and accept the fault and move forward; this may have some merit, but the frustration and consequence of the problem remain.
I would like to suggest another possible approach.
Yes it is okay, even important to be honest about your spouse’s failings, to know what your challenge in the relationship is. Yes, this negative aspect is central, usually triggers you in the most fundamental way.
- Accept that this challenge is tailor made for you, from Hashem, with love not with the purpose of torturing you… it’s purpose, among others is for you to stretch and grow.
- What middos can you develop by dealing with this challenge, eg becoming more loving, compassionate, giving, despite your partner’s imperfection. Perhaps you need to learn gevura to confront the difficulty directly with your spouse, perhaps it’s forcing you to become more independent in developing your own strengths where your partner is lacking…please add to this list.
- Make a list of your partner’s other good qualities, add to this list, review it, see your partner as a composite of these multifaceted qualities, not as the ‘flaw’ personified.
- See the ‘benefit’ of the flaw. Eg, my husband’s obliviousness may mean that he doesn’t watch every penny that gets spent. My wife’s poor housekeeping means that she is flexible, spontaneous, happy when those extra guests pitch up. My moody wife may be extremely intuitive and perceptive and a source of guidance to me.
- Recognize that you have your own ‘fatal flaw’ with which your spouse is also struggling.
- Finally and perhaps most importantly don’t write off your spouse or the relationship as a result of this challenge. This is where the work of the relationship lies. This is the issue that must be brought up, generally many , many times, at best kindly and consistently, with the aim of wanting to improve the relationship, to work towards creating the( imperfect) connection, or the connection despite the inherent imperfection. This is the point of potential growth , understanding and closeness, I choose connection, intimacy, togetherness even as the challenge to this is ever present.
To quote my favorite songwriter;
‘There is a crack in Everything, That’s how the light gets in’.