A few years ago, I watched a brief video about an award winning National Geographic photographer. He said that before taking that perfect picture, he had already envisaged in his mind what the picture would look like. This video was used in the Imago Couples training seminar, to illustrate that we create the picture of our relationship in our mind before the interaction actually happens.
Imagine for example that you have a date with your best friend whom you haven’t seen for a year; you set up the time, date and place, you think about what you are going to talk about, all the catching up you have to do, you will be warm, affectionate, attentive, engaging. You may think about what you want to wear, what food you will order. In short you prepare for the event, invest energy in creating it in your mind, which most often is what will correlate with reality.
This is not dissimilar to our day to day interactions with our spouse. Of course day to day stuff is somewhat more mundane and tedious, but the point is that we actively and constantly create, positively or negatively the flavour of communication, connection, energy, presence and openness to one another.
We know that we have been given the gift of free choice. In action and in relationship this translates into a day to day, hour by hour, at times even a minute by minute or second by second opportunity to exercise our free choice.
This all sounds quite intense, but we know that relationships with our loved ones is an intense business. There is so much work, wisdom and discernment that is needed to make the relationship work.
Questions arise constantly regards the relationship.
-should I be listening more
-should I be sharing more
-should I be offering my input or allowing my spouse to come to his own insights
-should I make an issue of this issue or let it go..
-should I ask for more time together or give him more space..
-should I be asking for more help or less..
-what am I avoiding talking about
The list goes on and changes constantly.
Many challenges present themselves and threaten to sabotage the creation of this proactive, loving relationship,to give some examples;
-not realizing that this is an active, creative process.
-The Hollywood messages; I ‘fall’ in love and live happily ever after.
-exhaustion.
-mental/physical illness.
-financial stress.
-children who sap our energy, time and resources.
-extended family stress, in-law issues, caretaking of older parents.
-hashkafic differences
-fertility issues
-trauma
-pregnancy
In short, all of life’s stresses drain us and make it harder to be present, focused and energized. We are up against a lot, but as we negotiate the challenges and put positive energy into our relationship, we create the long term bond we all long for. All these stresses place extra strain on a couple but can also be a point of growth, sharing of insight and mutual support if worked through together.
In a nutshell, love is not a static state of being, but rather an active process of creating the picture we all want to hold and cherish. We need to put in the work, and for Hashem to help us and bless our efforts.
Imagine for example that you have a date with your best friend whom you haven’t seen for a year; you set up the time, date and place, you think about what you are going to talk about, all the catching up you have to do, you will be warm, affectionate, attentive, engaging. You may think about what you want to wear, what food you will order. In short you prepare for the event, invest energy in creating it in your mind, which most often is what will correlate with reality.
This is not dissimilar to our day to day interactions with our spouse. Of course day to day stuff is somewhat more mundane and tedious, but the point is that we actively and constantly create, positively or negatively the flavour of communication, connection, energy, presence and openness to one another.
We know that we have been given the gift of free choice. In action and in relationship this translates into a day to day, hour by hour, at times even a minute by minute or second by second opportunity to exercise our free choice.
This all sounds quite intense, but we know that relationships with our loved ones is an intense business. There is so much work, wisdom and discernment that is needed to make the relationship work.
Questions arise constantly regards the relationship.
-should I be listening more
-should I be sharing more
-should I be offering my input or allowing my spouse to come to his own insights
-should I make an issue of this issue or let it go..
-should I ask for more time together or give him more space..
-should I be asking for more help or less..
-what am I avoiding talking about
The list goes on and changes constantly.
Many challenges present themselves and threaten to sabotage the creation of this proactive, loving relationship,to give some examples;
-not realizing that this is an active, creative process.
-The Hollywood messages; I ‘fall’ in love and live happily ever after.
-exhaustion.
-mental/physical illness.
-financial stress.
-children who sap our energy, time and resources.
-extended family stress, in-law issues, caretaking of older parents.
-hashkafic differences
-fertility issues
-trauma
-pregnancy
In short, all of life’s stresses drain us and make it harder to be present, focused and energized. We are up against a lot, but as we negotiate the challenges and put positive energy into our relationship, we create the long term bond we all long for. All these stresses place extra strain on a couple but can also be a point of growth, sharing of insight and mutual support if worked through together.
In a nutshell, love is not a static state of being, but rather an active process of creating the picture we all want to hold and cherish. We need to put in the work, and for Hashem to help us and bless our efforts.